Mind Grapes

There are a lot of things that have kept me from blogging lately, one reason just being time, but also because I try to censor the amount of emo shinfo that I contribute to the already-saturated internets. I’m very lucky to have the life that I do, but I’ve also spent a fair amount of time feeling sorry for myself and experiencing social anxiety. It’s just not a useful way to spend one’s time! But, as I’ve blogged about before, weaknesses aren’t always things to hide. Maybe admitting my insecurities and problems will help someone who feels how I do feel a tiny bit more normal.

On days when I feel particularly unlike my hopeful, friendly self, I seek out new happiness refuge and ways to meet interesting people. Most recently, I signed up for a photography class! I can’t remember a thing from photo classes in high school, mostly because my teacher was a little creepy and therefore more fascinating than the tasks at hand. By the middle of next week I have decided I will be back in tip-top physical shape and ready to work out, which isn’t really about meeting new people (meat market!), but feeling better about myself and preparing for fitness/outdoor activities. I can’t even begin to explain to you, reader/s, how terrifying a social situation can be for me, but even more so, the whole anxiety thing is pretty confusing for an extrovert.

My hope is that I’ll be able to deal with this junk so I can get back to doing fun things that are more fun to read about anyway. I have so many ideas, but I get caught up in reasons to not even try.

So, that’s what’s going on in my head.

Posted in Notation, Rambles | 1 Comment

June To Do List Update!

  1. Road trip visit to the Baltimore an aquarium (edited: 100% of people I’ve talked to have said it’s not worth it! I’m researching other aquariums to visit instead. Maybe Atlanta!)
  2. Post one item to Etsy per week after June 15
  3. Work out 4x per week (edited: 5x per week would be great, but 4x is reasonable. I’ll aim for 5 but the minimum is 4)
  4. Lose 15 lbs.
  5. Go camping & cook food outdoors
  6. Visit the mountains
  7. Go to a Big Business show
  8. Go to a Band of Horses show
  9. Make food for others once weekly:: Food share! Last week I made kale & asparagus pesto pasta
  10. Finish an embroidery pattern from Sublime Stitching
  11. Purge, sort, organize belongings at home & in storage unit before moving!
  12. Move into new, beautiful house!
  13. Go hiking
  14. Walk on the beach at night (perhaps no day beachtime for me!)
  15. Make Filipino food
  16. Work on lowering anxiety levels
  17. Watch all of the Harry Potter movies before seeing the last movie
  18. Charge my camera and document my adventures
  19. Host a ladies’ night in the new house & invite friends who haven’t met yet
  20. Live a more tidy life:: Have been cleaning and organizing a bit each day
  21. Have my car serviced and inspected
  22. Read Midnight in the Garden of Good an Evil (almost finished!!)Under the Banner of HeavenJust KidsEat Pray LoveThe Master and Margarita
  23. Play putt putt golf
  24. Go bowling
  25. Make an effort to see more friends each week, despite a busy schedule:: More impromptu porch hangs, more coffee dates, and more phone chats with out-of-town friends
  26. Study for grad school
  27. Post my new band/song/album of the week each week:: Foster the People and Two Door Cinema Club (and the Pandora stations) serve as great store-cleaning soundtracks!
Posted in Notation, To Do List | 1 Comment

June To Do List

My prior to do list is feeling a little stale, so I thought I’d start a new to-do list for the summer!

  1. Road trip visit to the Baltimore aquarium
  2. Post one item to Etsy per week after June 15
  3. Work out 5x per week
  4. Lose 15 lbs.
  5. Go camping & cook food outdoors
  6. Visit the mountains
  7. Go to a Big Business show
  8. Go to a Band of Horses show
  9. Make food for others once weekly
  10. Finish an embroidery pattern from Sublime Stitching
  11. Purge, sort, organize belongings at home & in storage unit before moving!
  12. Move into new, beautiful house!
  13. Go hiking
  14. Walk on the beach at night (perhaps no day beachtime for me!)
  15. Make Filipino food
  16. Work on lowering anxiety levels
  17. Watch all of the Harry Potter movies before seeing the last movie
  18. Charge my camera and document my adventures
  19. Host a ladies’ night in the new house & invite friends who haven’t met yet
  20. Live a more tidy life
  21. Have my car serviced and inspected
  22. Read Midnight in the Garden of Good an Evil, Under the Banner of Heaven, Just Kids, Eat Pray LoveThe Master and Margarita
  23. Play putt putt golf
  24. Go bowling
  25. Make an effort to see more friends each week, despite a busy schedule
  26. Study for grad school
  27. Post my new band/song/album of the week each week
Posted in Notation, To Do List | 2 Comments

The confidence of a fembot

I’m dating someone new. He’s really great, and the problem is not him. The problem is me!

I’ve had some pretty bad relationships in the past that have really hurt me, made me question everything about my greatness. So, when I recovered from that, started feeling really excellent, and met this new person, there were no problems! I never questioned if I was interesting, funny, smart, cute, whatever.

After some life things interrupted my fun-every-day schedule, like my grandmother’s death, which I’m still not quite ready to write about in depth, and work picking up, the fun decreased and I was left with more time (between rushing around) to think, “am I still interesting to this person?” And that is a dangerous thought process, because it summons the physical and verbal insults from past boyfriends that were so hurtful and makes me feel needy.

So, if I’m having a moment of weakness and need to feel a little more like myself, that’s ok right? No! Everyone is quick to say how men like confidence, and women with their own lives, and women who aren’t needy. Can’t I feel allowed to be a little weak once in awhile? Must I be a fun robot with good hair at all times? Damn!

I’m cutting myself some slack tonight, I’m making a big batch of meals for friends, watching a movie, cleaning, and starting over tomorrow. I’ll work out, I’ll shake it all off. And I’ll let myself show weakness, because I’m not a fembot.

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June update #1

It’s early in the month, so I’m going to update this again later in the month as I finish more things!
  1. Draw an activity twice per week and post it to the blog, even though I’m terrible at drawing.
  2. Go to one art show per month. (Done! First Friday Art Walk)
  3. Post one item per week to one of my Etsy shops.
  4. Meditate once per week.
  5. Buy a bicycle and the bravery (bike shops do sell bravery, right?) to ride it in the city.
  6. Get a tattoo.
  7. Paint my nails (hands or toes, or both) twice per month.
  8. Go camping twice per year.
  9. Cook a real meal (breakfast, lunch or dinner) twice per week. (Dinner share!)
  10. Cook meals for others once a month. (Done: Dinner share covers this one too!)
  11. Learn to embroider and cross stitch. (Working on embroidery!)
  12. Walk, rather than drive, as often as possible.
  13. Seek out, friend input accepted, one new band I enjoy once a week.  (Done! Battles, like this video: http://youtu.be/3FsvMyQeC-Q (For some reason WordPress isn’t uploading videos right now)
  14. Purge and donate belongings that I really do not use.
  15. Think seriously about getting a dog. (I thought I was safe, then I met my friend’s Boston Terrier puppy, and the puppyfever started again)
  16. Watch The Office episode of Jim & Pam’s wedding.
  17. (Edited 8/24) Back up my computer quarterly and sort through files to eliminate duplicates and unneeded junk.
  18. Save $200 per month.
  19. Put at least 1/3 of each paycheck towards credit card payments.
  20. Read one book per month. (Still tackling Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil)
  21. (added 8/21) Lose 15 lbs.
  22. (added 8/21) Do ten pushups each day. (I started doing 30 Day Shred, so I’m getting in far more than 10 pushups daily!)
  23. (added 8/21) Write one real (snail mail) letter each month.
  24. (added 8/24) Take vitamins and calcium supplement daily.
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Beauty & the Beastbikini

Summertime, bikinitime.

This year I decided I will not avoid bathing suits! I didn’t wear one last year, but I own some two pieces, and have been wearing them at home (indoors, alone) to get used to the idea again. Surprisingly, I am quite the prude when it comes to showing skin in public, and I prefer to be well-covered. Along with the idea of wearing teensy stretchy pieces of fabric among others, is the idea of fitness.

I am not at my most fit. I am tall, 5’9″, one small inch away from my model and workout video icon, Cindy Crawford– and while I don’t aim to be a modelesque size 00, I do want to feel confident. The past few weeks have been exhausting and I’ve been eating poorly. I feel pretty terrible about my body, which is such a disappointment as a feminist, healthy-body-image-rant-spouting woman who wants everyone, of every size, to feel great as they are.

I started working out, which I will detail in my soon-to-come June list update, and decided to take some before and after photos tonight. I like scientific procedures! Expecting the worst, I stood in front of the camera in my underwear.*

And it wasn’t that bad! I have muscular legs, a big butt, curvy hourglass shape, and a bit of a tummy, but I do not look like the gigantic balloon that I thought I would. While it’s not a sign that I should switch to milkshakes instead of morning workouts, I’m relieved to see myself realistically once again and to regain the confidence that I want all other women to feel.

One of my favorite blogs, I Married a Pornographer, posted about the issue of bikinis and she links to a NY Times article that is also thought-provoking. Why do we put itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikinis (and their wearers) on a pedestal?

Imagine what would happen if a model in 2011 was photographed with a little tummy roll showing like Miss Monroe:

*No, I will not be posting said pictures

Posted in Frustration, Rambles | Tagged , | 4 Comments

5/2011 List Update

  1. Draw an activity twice per week and post it to the blog, even though I’m terrible at drawingiced coffee (Done! Iced coffee from a new place down the street)
  2. Go to one art show per month. (Done! First Friday Art Walk)
  3. Post one item per week to one of my Etsy shops.
  4. Meditate once per week.
  5. Buy a bicycle and the bravery (bike shops do sell bravery, right?) to ride it in the city.
  6. Get a tattoo.
  7. Paint my nails (hands or toes, or both) twice per month.
  8. Go camping twice.
  9. Cook a real meal (breakfast, lunch or dinner) twice per week. (Easily done now! I started doing a dinner share with three other friends where we swap meals. This week I made hearts of palm and avocado salad with lime vinaigrette, banana-chocolate pudding, and quinoa-bean salad. All nice and light for summer)
  10. Cook meals for others once a month. (Done: Dinner share covers this one too! Also shared with 2 people not in the share)
  11. Learn to embroider and cross stitch. (Working on embroidery!)
  12. Walk, rather than drive, as often as possible.
  13. Seek out, friend input accepted, one new band I enjoy once a week.  (Done! RBTS WIN, perfect for workouts without giving me a headache)
  14. Purge and donate belongings that I really do not use.
  15. Think seriously about getting a dog. (My parents’ dog is having puppies in 4-5 months, so we’ll see where I’m living by then! Doubtful I’ll be a homeowner that early though)
  16. Watch The Office episode of Jim & Pam’s wedding.
  17. (Edited 8/24) Back up my computer quarterly and sort through files to eliminate duplicates and unneeded junk.
  18. Save $200 per month.
  19. Put at least 1/3 of each paycheck towards credit card payments.
  20. Read one book per month. (Done! Bossypants by Tina Fey, and I’m partially through Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil)
  21. (added 8/21) Lose 15 lbs.
  22. (added 8/21) Do ten pushups each day.
  23. (added 8/21) Write one real (snail mail) letter each month. (Done! I decided a postcard counts)
  24. (added 8/24) Take vitamins and calcium supplement daily. (I’ve admitted to myself that I’m an adult, but I need chewable vitamins. I frequently stuff the pills in my purse/pocket/car and forget to take them by the time I find a drink)
Posted in Notation, To Do List | 2 Comments