I’m dating someone new. He’s really great, and the problem is not him. The problem is me!
I’ve had some pretty bad relationships in the past that have really hurt me, made me question everything about my greatness. So, when I recovered from that, started feeling really excellent, and met this new person, there were no problems! I never questioned if I was interesting, funny, smart, cute, whatever.
After some life things interrupted my fun-every-day schedule, like my grandmother’s death, which I’m still not quite ready to write about in depth, and work picking up, the fun decreased and I was left with more time (between rushing around) to think, “am I still interesting to this person?” And that is a dangerous thought process, because it summons the physical and verbal insults from past boyfriends that were so hurtful and makes me feel needy.
So, if I’m having a moment of weakness and need to feel a little more like myself, that’s ok right? No! Everyone is quick to say how men like confidence, and women with their own lives, and women who aren’t needy. Can’t I feel allowed to be a little weak once in awhile? Must I be a fun robot with good hair at all times? Damn!
I’m cutting myself some slack tonight, I’m making a big batch of meals for friends, watching a movie, cleaning, and starting over tomorrow. I’ll work out, I’ll shake it all off. And I’ll let myself show weakness, because I’m not a fembot.